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Now while I think the Queen does a cracking job for an older girl, I do find her Christmas speeches a little dry to say the least. So I’ve come up with a list of my favourite alternatives, they’d certainly stir things up a bit wouldn’t they??

Father Jack – What with all the expletives I feel fairly certain the whole speech would be one long beep, except for the demands for more booze obviously. And if you can’t loudly demand booze at Christmas, well, when can you?

Mr T – I pity the fool who doesn’t listen very carefully to what he has to say in his speech. Which will most likely be done via sat-link as he won’t be gettin’ on no ‘plane anytime soon.

Tim Curry – With his purring, dulcet British tones and that oh-so sexy indefinable air he has I think Tim Curry could pretty much recite his shopping list and we’d all be happy.

Bill Murray – Is obviously a complete legend and can say anything to anyone, about anyone, or their mum. I don’t think we’d hear much of him as we’d all be in hysterics at his amazingly dry wit.

The Fonz – Would be an awesome choice and I’m sure would be full of helpful tips about how to be cool in the coming year. But I expect he’ll be busy with Leather Tuscadero down at Inspiration Point.

Les Dawson – If only he was still with us today *sad*. He’d have us all howling with a monologue about ‘her up the road’, hitching his bosom all the while.

Ralf Wiggum – I feel certain this would be a short but informative speech peppered with such gems as to how he can do a somersault and how his cat’s breath smells of cat food. Entertaining and surreal, just how I like it.

Groucho Marx – Again, if he were still with us I think he would be my fantasy Christmas speech-giver, prat-falls off the podium, copious one-liners and a massive dose of surrealism – perfect!

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